THE NIGHTMARE

 i just had this powerful feeling of... something.

i have had a headache all night, i slept like shit, but work has been fine. there is no inciting incident besides lack of distraction. its this wild manic rush of fear and... claustrophobia? anger? i feel like if i sit on this stool any longer i will go crazy. but why? 

It feels like i have just realized I'm dreaming some horrible nightmare. you know your stuck in a dream and none of this is real, and the familiarity mixed with the intense feeling of unreality is scary as fuck. i sit at this day damn near every day, and yet when i walk around the hotel to clear my head it all feels plastic. unreal. a crude imitation of what it should be. it makes me want to slam my head into to the table and force myself awake. to cut my skin just to check If i exist or not. 

pain is an anchor. 

its always felt like this, and when i realized that i had a kind of eureka moment. my brain cant handle the full reality of being alive.

somehow it mocks me with its total lack of change.