I put in my 2 weeks notice about a week ago. I didn't tell Kim and i was biding my time. then Eric G. Quit. Just walked out the door never to never return again. so know the only person who works night audit here is me. Will they have a replacement before i quit on the 26th? will i have a place to live before i move? will i find a job a hotel in Red Deer? will i ever stop smoking weed long enough to prepare myself to move? tune in next month for those answers.
Alex massage me. it was nice to hear from them. i feel the urge to constantly tell him that i still care about him. i dont know if he knows that. and its not a sexual thing whatsoever. technically, i miss talking to him. i told him we shouldn't talk for awhile until i was better. i told him i wasnt what he wanted, and my fear i wouldn't change any time soon. and im not going to have any big changes anytime soon. i honestly believe i have improved, but not enough. im still stuck where i was and i still feel the same way i did. i still need help before i will be better.
so i shouldn't talk to them yet right? what would i say? ideally things would just be the way the were. i would just chat randomly without this uncertainty. they would just randomly call me when they were waiting for a bus and we would talk for awhile. it would be easy and natural. we would talk about nothing really, and i would make them laugh. they would get embarrass and blush, and pretty soon you would both be laughing and blushing together. you would remember how they cover they face when they laugh, and how nervous and excited you were whenever they were around.
then they would have to go and i would bug them to call me more. they would would give a little exhausted laugh and say they would. I wouldn't have to worry about them, and they wouldn't have to worry about me. When i finally see them again, we would hug and i would tell them i missed them. and they would laugh and say i missed you to.
is that possible anymore? im scared i ruined it. im scared i could ruin it again. im bad with people. i have no idea what sort of relationship they would be comfortable having with me. im scared to ask. maybe im just scared to hear the answer. i cried writing this. i feel childish saying this but that last line there about him saying i miss you to really got me. the whole idea of that kind of future really makes me want to cry. it seems very obtainable. i have a hard time finding reasons to keep going, and that is a big one for me. all of the other reasons feel more like obligations.
things to know while reading this
- i am not suicidal, and im not trying to say that Alex is the only thing keeping me going. \
- i know Alex still cares about me. i know that for a fact
- im not saying i want to ignore all the shit i have done over the years.
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