Clouds of Guilt

 Feel guilty when I'm late

Or early to a ball 
Strange to say, feel guiltiest when I've done nothing at all 
Missed the funeral of a friend 
That one stung for years 
But stranger still, felt even worse
For swallowing my tears 
Don't ask me why it is 
It's just the way I'm built 
Even days of sunshine are dimmed by clouds of guilt

         -, William Shatner

The window sill on the building across the street for me is the perfect height for me to sneak into. I wonder how much money I could make if I darted in front of a car instead of waiting for the flashing red hand to stop. It would be the easiest thing in the world to shoplift small items from every store I go to. and most recently this evening, I wondered if I could stab my leg on the spikes attached to the fence around the pool. The brain is constantly chattering a galaxy of thoughts so vast that some of them seep into my subconscious. 

Why am I writing this? What am I hoping you will say or do about it? it's redundant. 

all therapists have a similar way of talking, in my experience. I imagine a hostage negotiator would have to undergo the same training. Never be negative, if the hostage taker in question veres to far of course you have to very delicately reroute them. as if they were defusing a bomb more than talking to a person, and any slight mistake could be deadly. its a customer service style of overbearing calm and politeness in the face of the unwashed masses. the way an in-home care worker speaks to her client who most of the time can't even remember her name. 

I say this not as a damnation of that cadence, in fact I would argue it's 100% necessary. but once you know there is a hole in the table, the whole rabbit out a hat shtick loses its appeal. magic becomes trickery, friends become paid professionals simply doing their job. 

I'm partly paid simply to give people lip service. i make no accusation here that you have done anything like that with me, just an interesting observation