Emptying a recycling bin, not charging for a Cancellation, Sending the wrong report in an email, by themselves there nothing but minor inconveniences. But together, they are a pattern. And after a while those patterns become a reputation, and you find yourself permanently described as a ditzy klutz who will probably fuck up in some way no matter what the task he is assigned. I have spent my entire life trying to avoid those little things, and it seems no matter how hard I attempt to grab the reigns and focus, there are still those tiny mistakes.
Did you take your pill today Eric?
So now I find myself in the position where no matter how small an error I make or how easily fixable it is, it always feels like the last straw. At even the slightest disagreement, I find myself re-downloading job finding apps. I lay in bed with stress induced stomach cramps thinking about something I did 2 weeks ago. It makes you feel beyond stupid. It makes you feel like everything you ever do will be full of errors, and it would be far easier to simply kill myself.
Did you take your pill today Eric?
Being a constant fuck up would be such a big deal to me if I didn’t give a shit or feel shame, and I do both to the extreme. I care and stress way to much about what everyone thinks about me, and feel DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEEEEEEEEEP shame when I can’t live up to normal human standards. Can anyone honestly say I have any real function? If a bulb starts to flicker on the Christmas lights you replace the bulb with a good one, so how am I any different? There probably some Freud type shit to explore with that. Cutting myself because I feel less than everybody else so I want to make myself look like the dipshit clumsy broken goods that I am. Overdramatic? Of course. Worth considering? Of course.
Did you take your pill today Eric?
Perhaps the part that eats at me the most (Literally and metaphorically) is the lack of excuses. Any excuse is a bad excuse, and blaming my dumbassery on ADHD just feels like a lazy attempt to shift blame. The only person who can and should be directly blamed for this is me. Even though I know most people in my life would be better off having never met me, and I don’t think I will ever reach my own level of self-satisfaction. It is entirely possible and worth considering that there is no cure for this. I may always be to steps behind everyone else. I know what I want to create/say but it always comes out wrong. All of these ideas running around my head I will never be able to fully express. Sometimes I sit down to right these little pieces (as my therapist calls them) With what feels like incredible insights and points to make, and it all comes out as something a child would draw on a napkin.
Did you take your pill today Eric?
I wonder how much of that frustration comes from growing up with Ben. It essentially felt like Jennie was raising two Autistic kids instead of one, and that feeling of inferiority of being lumped in. Perhaps as a kid being labelled as autistic by proxy annoyed me, but the idea of me being autistic sounds 100 percent possible.
Did you take your pill today Eric? Upsets me more than any insult known to man. It basically a polite way of saying
Hey there champ. We noticed your acting a lot more like a clumsy little fucking waste of space today, so did you happen to take your pill? Or have to decide to simply continue regressing into pure caveman brain and expect us to wipe your ass for you? Do we need to break out the 3XXXXL High chair so little baby can focus? Perhaps some special toys to and big boy books to help you get to a 5th grade reading level?
In a similar vein, Terms like Champ, Buddy, Kiddo, all make me want to scream. I have put a lot of work into being perceived as at least a dysfunctional adult. They say that a lot with anxiety too, how you have to essentially coddle yourself until those feelings pass. Anxiety isn’t even the real problem anymore, it’s the intense shame, guilt, and feeling I will never be anything but a baby faced fuck up that haunt my dreams.
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